I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
