Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
