Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
