i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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