U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
