time to smoke my breakfast
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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