ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
