apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
