rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
