Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
