well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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