Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize