I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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