there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
