I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
