All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize