I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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