oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
