She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
