My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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