How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
