Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
