It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
