So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
