I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
