I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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