Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
