EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
