My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can't turn off my feet"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize