I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
