I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
kristin has been a bad kristin
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
