I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
