I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
