In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
