There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
