I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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