so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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