Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
