that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
