wanna go halves on a baby?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
