remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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