When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
