Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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