she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
