So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He shit in the fireplace
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize