nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize