My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
