Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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