I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
