That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize