in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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