We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
