I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
