I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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