dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
